Exploiting my personal life
I have a boyfriend and now I can't write about my life anymore. (Plus I'm abandoning my catholic vs protestant quest, for now.)
First! Reminder that tonight, Monday April 29th at 8 pm EDT, we will be discussing The Great Divorce in our book club call!
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In my past 12 years of publicly writing, I’ve purposely barely written about dating. It was easy at the start, because I was laser focused on writing about our relationship to food, because that’s what I was going through. That’s what I was learning about.
Through time, as my focus in my own life shifted, the focus of my writing shifted too. I started writing and sharing more of what I was going through, and what I thought about other things, and the rest of my life started to take more of a front seat.
And if I’d wanted a steady stream of interesting or funny or salacious content… writing about dating was right there. But, I didn’t. I never did. Even the relatively lighthearted stories about dates and people I’d likely never see again. I kept it all, mostly, off limits.
To write about it all felt kind of … toxic. Unhealthy. Unwise. And at times, unkind. After all, it was mostly just dismal. Or occasionally heartbreaking. Or annoying. Often it would be either embarrassing for them, and I felt like, to write about it, embarrassing for me.
I mostly didn’t have very much to say, except to complain. And I didn’t want to do that.
— Actually… wait. Now that I think back. This is untrue. I went through a phase, ten years ago, where I wrote and performed songs that lightly referenced people I’d dated. Wowwww, my brain was going to willingly delete those memories. I had my own little two years of being like Taylor Swift, but without the success or money. The songs were also kind of absurdist humor, so, I could hide behind that, too. I’m not that sad, or mad, don’t worry! I’m telling jokes! Kind of! I also never put them on the internet. I performed them live. That’s it. You had to be there. And no I will never perform them again! But, I also willingly forgot about that phase because… it’s cringey to me. Yea, it’s art, or whatever. It’s therapeutic. It really is. I’d have so much content if I’d always been comfortable writing about dating. But… I think… I don’t want that kind of exposure. Or maybe I just don’t think it’s wise.
And, it’s always been clear to me: would I want to date someone who writes about dating?!?! No. I wouldn’t.
I didn’t want to exploit my personal life. For their sake. And for my sake.
I have referenced dating though
I have referenced my dating though, a few times, just barely. But it was never really about the person, or the dates.
One time it was kicking off “porn-gate” on my instagram, asking if you’d be comfortable dating someone who openly follows lots of “fitness models” on tik tok. And it led to a long story series on people’s experiences with dating and marriage in the brave new internet age of rampant porn addiction.
This fall I also shared that I was amazed to realized I was, thematically, ghosted on Halloween.
And also, a not insignificant part of my story, in New Age Demons, was a reference to a man I went on one date with, who told me he was super into new age meditation, and became possessed, and he needed Jesus to save him from that. But I still feel badly about that sometimes. Like, what a personal story he told me, that I shared. Yea, he is anonymous. Yea I think it’s a story that, like, glorifies God and stuff. Which is an ultimate good. But… yea…
I also made a quick reference on instagram to how annoying Christian dating has been, noting, in passing, that I’d just gone on some dates with a guy who wouldn’t kiss til marriage. And… hey, maybe I’ll tell that story eventually. Maybe I won’t.
But, my bigger point, is that, now that I’m actually in a relationship with someone for the first time in ten years, I’m still going to try to keep it to a minimum. At least for now. It is hard though, because I am used to writing about what is going on and what I am going through.
Conversion
My big instagram break in 2022 was when I had my unexpected and unwanted conversion. I started being open to a belief system where witchcraft is real and Jesus is God and he saves us from active spiritual warfare, among other things.
I thought, I will never ever ever ever be able to write about this! People already think I’m crazy! I will quit writing and live a private peaceful life, where I keep my thoughts to myself!
This was also on the heels of two years of my changed political opinions and fielding constant outrage on instagram, people telling me they were going to burn my book, and more fun stuff. So… maybe finally shutting up is my best bet.
But somehow, 2 months later, I wrote New Age Demons, and have been pretty much sharing about it ever since. This Jesus situation, resistant as I was, eventually became a full on conversion to Christianity.
And now, here I am.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good that I’ve written about it. I’m glad I didn’t shut up. In fact, if I haven’t lost my mind, which I don’t think I have, I think it’s what God wanted me to do all along: write about other things, build an audience, unexpectedly re-find and surrender to Him, and write about it.
And I now know, based on things many people have said to me, that in the very least, my sharing has been one of many seeds planted for some people’s own journeys back to God.
I do, however, have a bad habit of trying to figure out what God is doing. I try to make meaning out of what’s happening in the moment. Sometimes I’m right, and sometimes in retrospect, I’m wrong. Or only half right.
Catholic vs Protestant
But, I went on another long instagram break for lent this year. 40 days, as you may know. In fact, I started out thinking I was, maybe, slowly converting back to Catholicism, after a particularly anti-catholic born-again ex-new-age entry back into the faith. I was loosely following some Catholic fasting guidelines for Lent. And I’d been doing lots of research, particularly listening to tons of Protestant to Catholic conversion stories. Ex-pastors and biblical Scholars explaining what made them join the Catholic church. Maybe this is what God wants me to do, too? I wasn’t fully sold. But… maybe? Maybe one day I will be? Why am I researching all of this, if there is nothing here for me? Why do I feel drawn to it?
I was also doing research on the catechism — what does the church actually believe, that’s different from what I already believe? What’s the deal here. And really, for the most part, I was ok with the majority of it. Qualms and questions about some stuff, but, I was ok with it. I was going to pray about it. I wasn’t converting*** back imminently, anyway. I was still just in prayer and research mode.
What do you want me to do, God? Are you trying to tell me something? Or am I distracting myself with slightly unnecessary questions? In fact, while I was throwing a little tantrum about it, I did seem to get an answer to my question of what God wanted. He wanted me to be in relationship with him, as “my Dad”. This actually seemed to be an answer to my prayer/tantrum with God saying: stop worrying about denominations.
But as always, I have to ask… am I misunderstanding God?
Because, I also seemed to get an answer to a prayer, when I was praying about Catholicism and the whole Mary thing, where some guy from a dating app, who lived states away, who I wasn’t really going to date but accidentally matched with, had an extremely long phone conversation with me talking about the fullness of the truth of Catholic church. And it felt like an answer to a prayer too, while it was happening.
Ugh, maybe I am crazy. Darn.
Maybe it doesn’t matter. The denomination thing. But the way I see it… some version of Christianity is more true than the others. And, people get so sure that their version is right. And, honestly, I’m not sure if any of them have it completely right. But… who is… the most right? I don’t know. Does it matter? I think it does. And it also doesn’t. I don’t know.
*** Before Catholics tell me: I know. “I’m still Catholic.” The way Catholicism works, is that… you don’t have to convert back, officially. Only in my heart, I guess. I was baptized and confirmed catholic, as a child and teen. According to the church, I’m Catholic forever. I’m not kicked out just because I’m not actively practicing and receiving the sacraments. And, btw, I have received the sacraments. In the past half year I’ve gone to confession. I’ve taken the eucharist. Just not religiously, lollllol. All I’d have to do, to be “in communion with the church” is to start up again. Well, and not marry a divorced man.
In my research of the catechism and what the church believed, I was ok with most of it. I’d sometimes think, hey, I think this could be mostly right, but I just could never surrender to the institution the way Catholics insist you must. Even if they’re right, or mostly right… I never could. And I don’t know if I ever would. So even if I do go back to being a practicing catholic, I will bring some institutional rebellion with me. I will not surrender to the church, I surrender to God.
Then, in the catechism, I reached the part about marriage. Marriage is a sacrament. It is sacred. It is eternal. It is a reflection of Jesus’s relationship with us, the body of Christ. There is no such thing as divorce. It doesn’t even exist. So if you’re divorced, you’re not actually divorced, you are married. Bad, abusive marriages? You may separate and live apart, but you are still married forever.
I immediately got cagey, because, well first of all, that sounds graceless. Like, I agree that marriage is important, and sacramental, and should not be thrown away the way it is in our culture, but this just sounds… unforgiving. Yes, there was the option of an involved process for an annulment of the first marriage to officially decree that your first marriage was invalid anyway, which… ok great, I guess, but… this is arbitrary. If the church can issue an annulment, then God can, right? And your whole life is at the mercy of some council to decide arbitrarily that your first marriage wasn’t even real. Like, did the woman at the well have to get 5 annulments? No.
I get it, and I don’t. The hoops they make you jump through are their attempt to protect the sanctity of marriage. It’s a big thing. I call the catholic church’s sacraments and rules the bumper rails to living a Christian life. But, this particular thing also just feels irritating and arbitrary and graceless.
Why was I responding so strongly to this thing about divorce in the Catholic church? Why was I so annoyed and frustrated? I’ve never been married. How does this affect me?!
Well… firstly, it was one of the first things that actually felt very… arbitrarily institutional. Like gatekeeping the grace and mercy of God.
But also, selfishly, I didn’t like how this would affect me. Because, I had mostly been going on dates with divorced protestant men, over the past year. And at 36, and now trying to date Christian men, it felt very much like… if I did get married, at this 11th hour, I was going to end up marrying a divorced man
And, I’d recently started talking again to someone I’d dated, and ended things with, back in the fall. Who was divorced and Protestant. But, I mean… whatever. I wasn’t going to date him. Noooo, nah, no there were too many things. Plus he was a Calvinist. And I’d just gone down a huge anti-calvinist rabbit hole (that I still agree with.) So yea. No. I mean, we weren’t going to date. We were having long phone conversations again but like, as friends. We aren’t going to date! I don’t even want to! And even if I did want to, I shouldn’t because I might become Catholic. And he went to Bible college and thinks that Catholicism is stupid. Plus he was like, too Christian. You know? Like… just has a lot of lofty and extreme ideas about dating and… yea. We aren’t going to date. I felt strongly. Despite the long phone conversations.
Exploited Personal Life Below Anyway?
Long story as short as possible, we are dating now. It’s actually a good story that I’m not letting myself tell. At least not today.
But, in the process I totally abandoned my Catholic vs Protestant research. I actually waited maybe a month to even tell him that I’d been strongly wondering if I was going to become Catholic again right before we started dating.
He said he disagreed with Catholicism, but that I could be Catholic. And I said, well I can’t Mike, because in the eyes of the Catholic church, I am dating a married man.
I told him I didn’t even really care right now if I became Catholic or not — which is true. But that I’d like him to listen to some of the podcast episodes I’d listened to, so he could understand where my head had been. And he said of course.
Last night we were talking about praying for other people last night, and he mentioned the “well wouldn’t a parent listen more if many of their children were asking for something?” thing and I said, “well that’s actually the Catholic idea for asking the saints for prayers.” And he said “ok, well, I don’t see in the Bible where it instructs us to ask saints for prayers.” And I said, “ok well, just so you know, I am not well versed enough in the specifics to give you an answer on that. And furthermore, I don’t even care.”
I think he thinks that I want to stealthily convert him to Catholicism, but honestly, I don’t really even know if I want to be Catholic.
Anyway, today I sent an article about what Catholics say about the Biblical basis for praying to saints, and he kindly responded that he disagreed that those Bible references instruct us to ask the saints for prayers. But that I could respond with my thoughts. And I responded that again, I didn’t even care anymore. But I’m glad we could talk about it if I did.
Conclusion…
The truth is, I know God is in both Catholicism and Protestantism. Yea, one has to be more right than the other. But right now, I currently don’t care enough. I just need to pray. And seek God. And Mike loves God. And has a real relationship with God. And that’s pretty great. Mike is very Christian — in a true and genuine way. In a very gracious way. In the way you’re supposed to be. In a formerly was legalistic but is not anymore and has gone through stuff and isn’t fake and hypocritical like I would have feared that someone who went to Bible college would be.
It’s all so strange and funny to me, if I zoom out on my life, because never in a million zillion years would I ever ever ever ever have dated him before last year. And especially not before 2020 when I was liberal. A Christian man? You mean, a brainwashed sexist? No thank you! Now look at me. And really, like he is such a good person. I told him that last night on the phone and he was like, “No! I’m saved by grace.” And I was like shut up! Ugh what a protestant thing to say! Jk jk.
I said, “yes you are, but you also are doing a good job of following God and cooperating with God too.”
So, my weird situation is that I write about my life, and I also write about God now too. And I don’t want to write too much about dating or my personal life. Especially right now. But Mike is Christian, so that is inherently informing my own God situation.
So, how do I navigate that? Maybe just like I did in this post. This feels ok. I don’t know.
*Paywall below is just to put the audio voiceover behind the paywall*