Lent ...and My Ash Wednesday Fast
Thoughts on fasting after healing from disordered eating, and more
It’s day 2 of Lent.
Before my return to Christianity, I was relatively anti-lent.
As someone who healed from years of dysfunctional eating and a disordered relationship with food, from a diet culture perspective, lent is often used for arbitrary restriction and punishment. It has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with another opportunity to be better. Specifically, it’s often a kickstart to a spring/summer diet, and an attempt to lose weight... And while, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be better, or even to have the structure to make a habit change, for health or happiness, people who already struggle with restriction and self-flagellation or dysfunctional dieting and binging, can and will misuse lent. And I was one of those people.
(As you probably know, I wrote about this anti-diet subject for about ten years before becoming problematic and Christian. Ha.)
However, now that I’m very much on the other side of healing my relationship with food (it’s been 12 years), I can see that it’s night and day, depending on your reason and motivation for the self-denial…
Doesn’t have to be food
First, the good news for anyone who wants to engage in a lenten sacrifice (for the right reasons) but still struggles with food, or who is newly healed or healing, is that there are many different ways to fast, and abstain, that have nothing to do with food. Social media is a great example of a way to ‘deny yourself,’ stop distracting yourself, and have that discomfort that reminds you to rely on God and pray. Actually, that’s what I gave up for lent! I didn’t give up food at all.
However, I still think that “just giving something up” with no deeper spiritual reason or goal, is a bit pointless.
‘Denying yourself’
Back when denying myself was tied up in my dysfunctional relationship with food, I thought there was no good reason to deny yourself or suffer, ever. I developed a very treat yo-self self-care worldview. And… I think that can have healing applications, if you struggle with self punishment and self-hatred and self-flagellation. But… I do now see that it can go too far. There is a selfishness that can creep in. A spoiled-ness and inability and unwillingness to handle hardship. It turns out, surprise surprise, that not all things are good at all times, for all people. Fancy that.
For me, I know I got to a place where any physical discomfort seemed unnecessary and unhealthy. And while there is truth to the fact that enough good food, enough good sleep, and having a life of nervous system peace, and peace in your soul is good for you, it can also almost become an ideology that can, in fact, go too far.
Fasting from Food
I am fully F*ck it Diet. I do not restrict. I happen to now have very high quality food preferences, that look very ‘farm to table’ and a meat-heavy version of crunchy… basically, I have butter-based health beliefs. But my point is: there is no caloric restriction involved in my life. No times of denial or fasting or cutting things out for no reason. I’m currently gluten-free to help with my restless legs/neurological stuff, but I eat my butter and egg smothered gluten-free toast every morning.
In this past year plus of my growing faith, I have wondered if light occasional fasting from food would be something I should try to engage in. Y’know, for the right reasons. For the Lord.
The more Christian I’ve become, the more I’ve seen… ah, there is a healthy and an unhealthy way to… deny the flesh. And I do think it’s a bit muddy with food, because of how destructive eating disorders can be. And how much we actually we do need food. But… I have wondered, now that I am healed. Is this a way I can lightly deny my “flesh,” in an attempt to surrender to and rely on God?
And I’ve casually prayed about it: God, if you want me to fast, for you. To deny myself and make me more reliant on you, show me how? I don’t want to do it in a stupid and pointless way? I don’t want to do a fast that’s hard on my hormones or… just too extreme for no good reason?
My problem was… this past year especially,I was trying to eat MORE in the morning. More protein. And more protein at every meal, trying to balance blood sugar and hormones. And one of my big prayers to God, was to heal the areas I needed physical healing. So whenever I’d imagine even just fasting for a half day I was like… uhhhh it’s gonna be bad for me. I don’t want to do something that’s gonna be bad for my health!
But then I started thinking, hmmm this is interesting because… maybe… maybe at this point I actually should let myself fast in a way that doesn’t … benefit me? Maybe I need to let go on that level now too? And not in an insane spartan way, but maybe I’m holding on too much to my ideology of how important it is to eat a big protein rich breakfast every morning, because… that was now getting in the way of me being willing to do a tiny little annoying and uncomfortable morning fast for God.
I’d hear about people doing a fast, and occasionally think, hmmm, maybe I’ll just do a fast til noon tomorrow. And I’d wake up the next morning and say NO it isn’t good for me ANYWAY. I am going to eat my three eggs and butter and toast and coffee with cream and I don’t CARE about this stupid idea of FASTING.
And then I’d go back to God and say, I am willing to fast for you! But like… I need some very light and sane structure for this. Show me! Show me.
Catholic Ash Wednesday Fasting
First… let me say, as you may or may not know, I am… half Catholic. And when I say that I mean, that I am very deep into research and prayer over discerning different denominations, including Catholicism.
I know people feel very strongly about their denominations, and between Catholicism and Protestantism (and Orthodox! For good measure!) and so I sometimes hesitate to bring up my thoughts on this subject because I know it puts people on guard. Makes people want to convert me to their way. But, the truth is, I could end up Catholic at some point. I could also not… but I am not finished discerning. I currently think the truth may lie somewhere in the middle between Catholics saying you must surrender fully to the church’s doctrine, and protestants calling Catholicism pagan heresy and going hard on the 5 solas.
I don’t know. I could write a book just on my thought process on this alone. And funny enough, if I do, it won’t happen til after the current book I’m writing on my journey to Christ in the first place. Which is good, because it gives me time.
But all of that to say, is that there is actually a lot that I like about Catholicism. And so, I have the Hallow app, I listen to a podcast called Crash Course Catholicism (part of my research), I listen to Protestant to Catholic conversion stories on Pints with Aquinas (part of my research) and I also go to a wonderful non-denominational Protestant Church that I am so thankful for, and also consume a lot of wonderful Protestant content too — last night I listened to this woman’s story talking about why she left Calvinism because of her finally comparing the Calvin’s “TULIP” tenets to scripture.
All of this to say, is the other day I saw that Catholics have two days of fasting during lent: Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. And the fast includes one meal at night, and two tiny meals during the day. And abstinence from meat.
I thought… uh, this is a fasting structure that I can do.
It’s actually exactly what I’ve been looking for.
There is nothing diety about it to me. There is nothing too harsh for me, as an entry level faster. It is TWO far-separate days, in a 40 day period. It still allows for two small snack-sized meals for blood sugar earlier in the day. And honestly, I currently believe meat is a health food, so denying myself meat is actually a “sacrifice.”
So… I did it yesterday. And I guess I kind of cheated cause I put collagen in my coffee in the morning, but still. I had two tiny meals. Spend time with my brother and sister in law and nephew during the day. And let my hunger remind me to pray for my friend who is awaiting the results of her melanoma biopsy.
I guess the reason this feels right and good to me, is that… y’know, my life is pretty cushy. I work from home. I have a lot of modern creature comforts. And while I do want a husband and kids, and still hope it happens at this 11th hour, I also have a life where I don’t really have to compromise with anyone. I don’t have to sacrifice much at all. Yes, I sacrificed my career to share the stuff I believed in. Yes. Sure. It wasn’t fun. And I am still sacrificing the support of previous readers who are not into content about Lent. Yes.
But I can also see big, big swaths of my life where I just don’t have to sacrifice at all. I don’t have to think or worry about anyone but myself.
So yesterday, after I ate my tiny snack lunch of anchovies, when I noticed that my brother left his dirty bowls and dirty soup pot in the sink of my parent’s kitchen, I first thought: he’d better do those dishes and not leave them there, or dad is going to blame the dirty sink on me. And then I thought… Well, I guess I can just do them as a lil’ lenten sacrifice. And then, instead of just doing them. I did them. And then told my brother, (light heartedly. He said, “ah, so you did them for the Lord.") And now I’m telling you. lololol.
See, lots of you are used to doing other people’s dishes all the time. I am not. I do my own dishes. And I eat all the food I want. It’s good and fine, but, I could use a little discomfort sometimes, to remind me to lean on God. To remind me that sacrifice can be good for the soul. To… toughen me up a little.
And so I’m very glad I did it. And I’m excited to do it again for Good Friday.
Humility
As I said, I use the Hallow app. And man I wish this was an ad, but it’s not. They ignored my email for sponsorship. Ha. But I do really love the app. It’s Catholic but their lenten challenge is relatively ecumenical.
I did day one yesterday, and during the 12 minute audio, they had us go through a prayer. The Litany of Humility. And man was it good. In fact, I want to do it again today.
On the audio voiceover behind the paywall below, I read the prayer out loud :-)
Talk soon, happy(?) Lent.