It's not enough to only turn to God in my desperation

I have the general outlook, and desire, that I will do whatever God wants.

As soon as I became Christian, and realized that it’s not my will, but God’s, surrendering my life to God was a no brainer.

Of course that is what is good, and right.

I was actually in a period of such misery and desperation at the time, so far from God, so far from trusting God, that surrendering my life to God really was a no brainer. I didn’t think my heart or nervous system could suffer much more, especially if I now had guidance of God, and trust in him. It felt like things could only go up from there. Which, is actually untrue. But I felt like at least, with God, I could handle it.

I will do whatever you want. Show me.

I will write whatever God wants. I will work however God wants me to. I will sacrifice whatever God wants. I will be single forever if God wants. I will marry whoever God wants. I will have children if God wants. I will take whatever blessings God wants me to have, and suffer in any other way God needs me to for my growth.

I will follow God, no matter what. And I will lean on God through whatever I am going through, now and in the future.

That’s what I know I need to do. And on one level, it’s even what I want. Hypothetically. Until it looks like God wants me to suffer more than I was hoping for. Or in ways I wasn’t expecting.

Or maybe, I’m only suffering, because I am struggling horribly to continue trusting God, in real time, when confusion and suffering hits.

Oh, are you really going to make me give everything up? Am I going to become one of those people who loses everything? Is that what you’re asking of me?

It’s a lack of trust, for sure. I will suffer for you God, but only in the ways that seems reasonable and acceptable to me.

When my life is going well, I still talk to God in little ways throughout the day. Hi God. I love you God. Wow this is so cool God. Thanks God. Oh help me God (over little things.)

But for the most part, when life is going well, I don’t feel like I need God. I don’t take time to pray, because I’m not desperate. I am content.

I don’t forget about God. I do even remember to thank him for my joy and my blessings. But it’s passive. And it’s in the background.

But one thing I know to be true, is that when I am suffering, I pray without ceasing. I pray for resolution. I pray for help. I pray for trust. I pray for surrender. I pray for peace. I pray for clarity. I pray for guidance. I pray for miracles. I pray for a changed heart. I pray for the knowledge of what to pray for.

Actually, it doesn’t even need to be huge suffering. I tend to turn to God even with small problems.

But it’s always problems.

Problems, big and small, have me turn to God. Help me surrender. Change my heart. Heal this situation. Show me your will. Help me cope. Help me surrender. Bring me peace. Bring me comfort.

I have to say, that I rarely praise God just for the sake of it. To pray with gratitude and worship and reverence, just for the sake of it. Just because he deserves it. Just because I am alive. Just out of joy or thanks, or the knowledge that God is so amazing, and so loving, and so gracious, that he should be praised and prioritized especially when things are going well.

Instead, I mostly turn to God in my problems. In my pain. In my confusion.

And I suppose that is far better than nothing.

And I have peace, in general, knowing that I do turn to God in suffering. And that God has always seen me through. It gives me a sense of security knowing that whatever God brings in the future, I will lean on him. And he will help me. And he will be faithful. And even if I lose everything, he will comfort me and heal my heart, in time. That God doesn’t promise a pain-free life. But he does promise to walk with us, comfort us, and help us, always, through our pain. I know that. That’s a blessing in and of itself.

So yes, turning to God in my suffering is far better than nothing.

But I also suppose, it is not enough. Because if I am largely ignoring God when things are going well, and when things are going my way, then I demote my need for God. And in some ways become my own God again, because I think I can handle life on my own, now that things are good.

And I become complacent.

And I allow worldly, temporary things to be my only source of joy. Which allows suffering to hit even harder, when it hits. Which brings me back to my desperate need for God again.

And so, I am in a time of re-implementing the ways I connected with God before. Why? Because I’m in a season of suffering. And lack of trust. And the only thing that can comfort me, is God.

This is what I’m doing right now:

One thing is the “morning pages,” that I turned into a long written morning prayer to God.

One is asking for your prayers, that I may more fully trust and surrender to God, and that I may more fully align my heart to his.

One is going back to my old faithful prayer: God, help me to want what you want. And see things the way you see them.

One is praying more consistently for other people in my life, not just my own desperate needs.

One is sending you guys the prayers I’m sending through substack, mostly prayers about surrender, whether you want me to or not (All I know is I need those prayers.)

One is reading the Gospel a little bit every day (I’m reading The Gospel of John again now.)

One is this post: writing about where I am with God, after a period of not writing anything.

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Alrighty, that’s it for today.

Thank you to God, for being faithful and loving, even when I don’t give Him the time and trust He deserves.

And thank you, to you, for reading my stuff.

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