Email to God - AUTHOR'S CUT
My editor made me cut down (or cut out!) my "Email to God" in Tired as F*ck. This is the original, longer version.
I’d call this a “deleted chapter” from Tired as F*ck, but it’s actually just an “author’s cut.” Originally, when I started writing (what became) Tired as F*ck, I wanted my second book to be “a funny book about God.”
In fact, I thought that there would be emails to God strung throughout the book, with absurd little stories thrown in between, lots of stories about big bargains I made with God. A lot of those bargains with God (and other smaller miracles) were cut from the book once the focus of the book shifted to exhaustion. But before then, I just wanted to write a weird-ass little book about all the times I begged God for things, and how many odd times it actually worked.
Basically, I’m not famous enough to be allowed to publish a book like that, because that would rely on (enough) people wanting to just read my weird little stories, without as HOOK. Like, David Sedaris can sell books like that. People pre-order it because it’s David Sedaris. It doesn’t need a hook. The more random the better. But for poor, impoverished little me, I needed a hook for a publisher to want to publish it, hence, exhaustion and rest. All true things for me, anyway, so it was fine, and tied in well with The F*ck It Diet. It wouldn’t have been a smart move to jump from TFID to “HEY HERE ARE WEIRD STORIES ABOUT ME AND GOD” so… Tired as F*ck was the correct second book move. So, the book concept took a turn, and became Two Years of Rest, and then took another turn and became Tired as F*ck, when I realized that the book was even more about my exhaustion, than my rest.
I kept some of the themes and stories in TAF that were in my original “a funny book about God” concept, but it all got watered down. Then, once I was in the editing process, my editor wanted me to TAKE OUT THE ENTIRE GOD EMAIL. And I was like… “well, no. That I will not do. But I WILL cut it down for you, because I understand that this book took a turn, and maybe a 9-page long email to God doesn’t make as much sense anymore…”
So, here is my original email to god, from Fall 2019, before my book deal.
My Email to God
Subject: Questions/Requests !
This is Caroline. But, you know that. I assume? Right? Do you already know what this email is going to say before I even write it?
If you don’t: I’m emailing because I finally got a hold of your email address. I have been trying to get in touch throughout the years in other ways, but I haven’t heard back. Actually, I might’ve heard back, but I have a very hard time confirming if it’s you or not. Which, honestly, is part of my overall complaint/issue.
In fact, there are a LOT of times where I thought I was hearing from you, or the universe, or one of your helpers, but I just don’t know… for obvious reasons. You make it extremely difficult and that is also one of my complaints (below).
I have lots of questions that I would love answered. And even if you can’t write back because you don’t have a computer, or any fingers, I really appreciate this opportunity to just get some things off of my own fingers/chest. And, maybe just writing it will give me some clarity.
I am writing with full honesty because I am assuming that you are a kind and benevolent creator who will not smite me for being disrespectful or frustrated. And I’m also assuming that if you are a mean God, and I didn’t write with full honesty to try and appease you, you’d know I was lying and leaving things out, and then be mad at me for lying anyway. Smote if I do and smote if I don’t! I’m also trying to illustrate some of the inherent issues in this relationship…
Ok… but I’m assuming you’re nice, which is why I’m writing this in the first place. Otherwise, what’s the point?
In no particular order, these are the things I would love to understand more and/or complain about:
I’m honestly extremely frustrated about the invisibility factor.