Email to God - AUTHOR'S CUT
Email to God - AUTHOR'S CUT
My editor made me cut down (or cut out!) my "Email to God" in Tired as F*ck. This is the original, longer version.
Edited, October 14th, 2023, to add: I’m just… so amazed that I wrote this 4 years ago, and had a whole dramatic religious conversion since.
I wrote this in 2019, in a very early draft Tired as F*ck. I wrote it back when I hoped that Tired as F*ck would be an absurd about God. I’m honestly amazed looking back at this now… knowing where I’ve gotten to… I’m just realizing… he answered me. Not by email. And no, not every question. But he answered me.
Ok, after the break is what I originally posted in summer 2022:
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I’d call this a “deleted chapter” from Tired as F*ck, but it’s actually just an “author’s cut.” Originally, when I started writing (what became) Tired as F*ck, I wanted my second book to be “a funny book about God.”
In fact, I thought that there would be emails to God strung throughout the book, with absurd little stories thrown in between, lots of stories about big bargains I made with God. A lot of those bargains with God (and other smaller miracles) were cut from the book once the focus of the book shifted to exhaustion. But before then, I just wanted to write a weird-ass little book about all the times I begged God for things, and how many odd times it actually worked.
I kept some of the themes and stories in TAF that were in my original “a funny book about God” concept, but it all got watered down. Then, once I was in the editing process, my editor wanted me to TAKE OUT THE ENTIRE GOD EMAIL. And I was like… “well, no. That I will not do. But I WILL cut it down for you, because I understand that this book took a turn, and maybe a 9-page long email to God doesn’t make as much sense anymore…”
So, here is my original email to god, from Fall 2019, before my book deal.
My Email to God
From: C*******@aol.com
Subject: Questions/Requests !
Hi God,
This is Caroline. But, you know that. I assume? Right? Do you already know what this email is going to say before I even write it?
If you don’t: I’m emailing because I finally got a hold of your email address. I have been trying to get in touch throughout the years in other ways, but I haven’t heard back. Actually, I might’ve heard back, but I have a very hard time confirming if it’s you or not. Which, honestly, is part of my overall complaint/issue.
In fact, there are a LOT of times where I thought I was hearing from you, or the universe, or one of your helpers, but I just don’t know… for obvious reasons. You make it extremely difficult and that is also one of my complaints (below).
I have lots of questions that I would love answered. And even if you can’t write back because you don’t have a computer, or any fingers, I really appreciate this opportunity to just get some things off of my own fingers/chest. And, maybe just writing it will give me some clarity.
I am writing with full honesty because I am assuming that you are a kind and benevolent creator who will not smite me for being disrespectful or frustrated. And I’m also assuming that if you are a mean God, and I didn’t write with full honesty to try and appease you, you’d know I was lying and leaving things out, and then be mad at me for lying anyway. Smote if I do and smote if I don’t! I’m also trying to illustrate some of the inherent issues in this relationship…
Ok… but I’m assuming you’re nice, which is why I’m writing this in the first place. Otherwise, what’s the point?
In no particular order, these are the things I would love to understand more and/or complain about:
1. Invisibility.
I’m honestly extremely frustrated about the invisibility factor.
Why is there so much secrecy. Why are we expected to have faith in something that is impossible to prove? It is asking too much of me. And it is asking too much of humans, in general. It is asking us both to suffer and and have jobs we hate and be exhausted and get sore throats and get cancer and lose people we love, and then die ourselves - and also be faced with this constant existential drama of being expected to believe in something that we may be fully insane to believe in.
You… get that right? You see that it’s not a fair ask? You see that if this was a human relationship, it would be a dysfunctional one, right?
Also, as someone who grew up Christian/Catholic, how am I supposed to believe that Jesus is the one true way if he won’t even show his face? Like really. NOTHING AGAINST THE GUY HE IS GREAT. But why should I believe a book that was CLEARLY written by humans??? I mean REALLY. Please think about this. Why should I believe any of it? I just… I just don’t think this setup is fair. And I feel that very strongly. And I would like to hear you address this. And I would like you to feel at least a little bit badly about it.
2. I don’t like your name.