I ask myself all the time if I’ve lost my mind with my conversion to Christianity. Less and less, sure, the longer it’s been, but I still do. In the beginning it was multiple times a day. Now it’s like… once a week? A few times a week?
I am so afraid to be blinded by my own bias. So afraid to be blinded by wishful thinking. So afraid to truly become the hypocritical and brainwashed cult-member I previously hated. Even though there are many things about Christianity that I see differently, now that I understand the heart behind it… there are still so many …crazy Christians.
Crazy ‘Christians’ are all around. Objectively. (I put it in quotes because one could make the argument that most of these people are Christian in name alone. Yet, does this inherently make me as self-righteous as I’m accusing them of being?)
There are Christians-cultists everywhere. There is Christian infighting all over the internet. Culty groups of doomsday preppers calling everything and everyone the antichrist. Groups of hyper-charismatics or fundamentalists calling everyone, and everything, including Christmas, demonic. Comment feuds between Christians over theology. Accusations of certain denominations barely being Christian at all, (which is kind of what I’m doing right now.)
I know I sound crazy when I talk about demons
Every time I talk about the reality of demons, I think: I know how I sound to those who don’t believe this. I know this just sounds like … fear-mongering. I remember what I used to believe. I thought this was just fear of that which I didn’t understand. I know exactly what it sounds like, unfortunately. And I always ask myself, is there a chance that I’m wrong? That I’ve gotten swept up in another confusion?
Well, first, yes there is always a chance that I’m wrong. I try to stay open to that possibility. It’s why I keep asking myself if I am.
Then I pray... God… please just like, show me what you want me to know? It turns out, God doesn’t want me to know much. But there is always a subtle little answer that gets me back to believing. Along with me doing more research. It brings me back to why I started believing all of this in the first place. And… unfortunately it really does come back to my belief in the reality of demonic entities, who have a will, that only the authority of God and Jesus can truly subdue. Listening to personal testimonies beyond my own helps solidify it. Exorcist accounts help solidify it. That is the reason I believe this. It is because of my belief in a very real and tangible spiritual war between God (and his angels,) and the forces of darkness. And yes, I know, to someone who does not believe in any of that, it sounds insane! Truth is stranger than fiction, because it is all bizarre.
Even Christian Basics Sound WHACK to everyone else
My point is, not only are there crazy culty Christians, but even Christians who are sticking to the basics of the faith, still sound nuts. I can still hear it all from my previous belief system. They sound crazy. I sound crazy. Evangelists are cringe. Even if I, at this point, mostly agree with what evangelists are saying. Going into the comments section of a tarot card reader and commenting: “Jesus Christ is the way the truth and the life. Repent and believe”…..?!?!?!?!?! Cringggggge. And I even agree with them! I am still cringe-ing!
Honestly, anyone quoting the Bible like the verse they pulled out is the trump-card, debate-winner, conversation-stopper, especially to a non-believer… That is very cringe to me too. Again, even if I agree. I even hate when people do that to another “believer” in a theological debate. I am still uncomfortable with treating the Bible like it’s perfect, with no question, no doubt, no room for the possibility that yes, it’s good and helpful and sacred, but not perfect.
I am not comfortable with Sola Scriptura — where the Bible is the only and final authority. Always. No questions asked. Just because. It actually makes no sense?! Protestants believe that the Catholic church canonized a perfect infallible Bible… minus 7 books, but that the Catholic church’s sacred inspired authority stops there.
I am also not convinced that the Bible isn’t all … uh, God-breathed Logos whatever they say. I’m just saying… why are we so sure? Why? How can we be?! I know people say, well the Holy Spirit told me. So, Holy Spirit, consider this my official request for you to tell me. Tell me everything, please.
I am also uncomfortable with the Catholics or Orthodox who talk about church authority and doctrine as beyond reproach. “It just is what it is. We are the right church and everyone else split off from us.”
Everyone is so sure that their theology is right, but, I hate to say it, at least one of you is wrong.
What I’m trying to say is… unfortunately, there are still so many ways to go wrong. And that alone became a reason to doubt the whole thing.
My Lil’ Prayer
Hey, God. Why did you make this so hard to understand? Why did you leave vague apocalyptic things in the Bible that led to culty doomsday Christians predicting the date of tribulation and starting control based cults? Why did you make this so weird? Why are you usually so subtle that it’s seems saner not to believe at all? Why is the trinity so complicated to explain, or even conceptualize? Why is there so much room for debate, with this *perfect* Bible.
I know, I know. I can’t blame God for the idiocy of man. I can’t. We were given free-will. There is an argument that the Bible is vague for the purpose of making us grapple with it. But… is this really the best the Christian church can do??? Make people splinter off into extreme sects that in-fight with each other?!?!
I personally know someone who went from being a psychic medium, to part of a semi-doomsday conspiracy Christian internet cult. She perpetuated specific extreme conspiracy theories that she doesn’t even believe anymore on a very public podcast called, “Not So Secret Societies,” only to be cut-off and publicly slandered by the group when she disagreed with some of their theology.
This is, unfortunately, not uncommon. (If you wanna hear more about that, you can listen her episode on my podcast, and she also has a recent episode on her podcast where she talks about this story above.)
Everyone thinks they’re on the narrow path
In short: People are difficult and easily brainwashed. Even those who are supposedly filled with the Holy Spirit. And it’s been very disheartening, but it’s also kept me on my toes. There truly is a narrow path. And that narrow path is hard to stay on, because once you get culty, you have fallen off the narrow path. And, if that’s you, you probably can’t even see it. If that’s me, I can’t see it.
The “narrow path” asks us to devote ourselves to a personal relationship with God, the pursuit of holiness and surrender to God, but also to not becoming one of those self-righteous Christians who are sure that their interpretation of a highly debated topic is correct.
I am also currently in a position where… I have begun to write about Christianity, and I am so afraid to publicly declare a belief that leads people astray. Is it possible to ask that you don’t take anything I say as authoritative or even… smart? Is it possible to ask that if you enjoy reading my thoughts, that you just see me as another, possibly very stupid, confused Christian who may never fully figure it out? I want to be able to question things without shaking people’s fragile faith. I don’t know how to navigate it.
Because even with all of this doubt, God has continually… reached me over this past year and a half. I have gotten little messages, confirmations, assurances that I can trust …him (I know I’m supposed to be capitalizing but that still makes me cringe ughhhh.)
I do now believe in Jesus, the savior, the human representative of God on earth, who died and rose again, in order to defeat death itself and in turn, regain spiritual authority over the earth from the dark forces. So that we may declare our allegiance to him, God, and have his protection and presence with us, in the face of the darkness that still exists.
As cringey I keep saying it all sounds, I am also not a progressive Christian deconstructionist. I think there is a hard-to-swallow truth in the message of Jesus, and in the Bible. I think there is an extreme message in the story — in who Jesus was and what he asks of us, that progressives and deconstructionists try to explain away with more palatable new agey vague version of Christianity. I believe we are asked to deny ourselves and pursue holiness. And I believe that God helps us to do all of that, and extends unimaginable grace as we stumble.
But as I grapple with all of this, I also currently have some slightly deconstructed views. I currently see the Bible, in the very least, as the necessary documentation of the story of God’s relationship with Israel, and Abraham’s family line, and the prophecies that promised the messiah, that were then fulfilled in Jesus. The Old Testament was the documentation that allowed the Jewish people to recognize the Messiah when he came. To understand what was happening. And to write about it for us. Is it perfect and infallible and sacred? I don’t know, maybe, but I do know that it was the documentation we needed to understand the bones of this bizarre story of God coming down to us, out of love for us.
I am also currently a… hopeful reconciliationist. Not a “universalist” per-se, which is someone who believes that it doesn’t matter what you do, or what you believe, you’re going to heaven no matter what… But I have the hope that God’s desire and promise is to save everyone who wants it. That the Holy spirit is a ‘refining fire,’ and we can and will be refined now on earth, or on the other side. That’s not to say that there won’t be consequence, or that God won’t deal with the problem of evil, but … it’s just the belief that God’s grace is bigger than we can imagine. The hope that his epic plan to save everyone really may …work. And that, just like we can turn to God on this earth and have full redemption, and go through a slow and sometimes painful, but also beautiful refinement process, we hopefully can… on the other side too, once we realize how we have gone astray. I could be wrong of course. Of course. There is Biblical evidence to support and to discredit this …hope. I think it’s good to live and relate to God like it really matters. Like the stakes are high. But I have seen enough of God’s redemption and grace, that this theory is a hope. A reasonable hope.
In conclusion…
Essentially, I believe that yes God asks a lot of us. Yes there is a narrow path of holiness and goodness. Yes we fail and stumble. Yes this world is selfish and decadent and counter to God. Yes God has unmatched grace and love and forgiveness and help for us. I want to know how to believe in the core doctrines of Christianity, how to truly become better and kinder — to become someone who actually loves my enemies, and prays for those who persecute me, without the extreme assuredness and self-righteousness that seems to so often lead people astray.
I don’t know that there is a way to do this without constant self reflection, and a constant willingness to be wrong, and be corrected by God himself.
I know I might be wrong. About everything. Or about some things. And hey, I might be a devoted Catholic, or a Protestant Bible literalist, or a predestination Calvinist, or an internet comment evangelist, or an extreme progressive (doubtful) in two year’s time.
All I know is… I do trust God. Even if I don’t fully understand him. Him.
Oh, and I guess I didn’t answer the subtitle question of how we know if we have gone crazy. I don’t know. Maybe the ability to question. To doubt. The willingness to be wrong. Can you have a belief that you realize may be… wrong? But still have the belief? I dunno.
As always… there is so much more I could have said. But, there is always next time.
Oh, also, if you want to join in on the Mere Christianity book club, we are having our first book club call on January 22nd. Still plenty of time to do the reading and join! Details here
Paywall below is for the audio voiceover reading